Grace Is Not Permission for Harm

Many Christians sincerely want to forgive others the way Jesus taught. Yet sometimes forgiveness becomes confused with repeatedly putting ourselves into the same harmful situations. A friend may say, “I’m just forgiving like Jesus,” while continuing to walk into the same painful relationship again and again.

The Bible commands forgiveness, but it also calls us to wisdom. Grace is not permission for harm.

Step 1

Affirm the desire to forgive. Forgiveness is something that Jesus repeatedly calls us to do. We might consider Matthew 18:21-22, “Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” From this verse and others likeness, we recognized that forgiveness is something that causes us not to keep track of offenses. Forgiveness is not something to be earned, but to be given away for our own benefit. As Jesus says in Matthew 6:14-15, “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. “But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.” When we forgive others, we give God reason to forgive us. We even see the example from Jesus in Luke 23:34, “But Jesus was saying, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.”” When we forgive others, we do what Jesus did. Forgiveness is an act of us turning over our feelings to God. 

Step 2

A tension that arises in our understanding of biblical forgiveness is the issue of trust. If we follow the example of Matthew 18:21-22 it would seem that we do not remember the fault of those around us and therefore we find ourselves, trusting people who have hurt us repeatedly in the past. It would seem obvious that this is not God’s intention. Forgiveness concerns how we view the offender. It means refusing to let bitterness toward another person take priority over our relationship with God. It does not speak to the relationship that you have with that other person. Trust is not a feeling but an aspect of your relationship. When you are harmed by another person, you may forgive them, but that does not mean you trust them. Proverbs often speaks to the issues of trust. Such as in Proverbs 25:19, “Like a bad tooth and an unsteady foot Is confidence in a faithless man in time of trouble.”  Or again in Proverbs 14:15-16, “The naive believes everything, But the sensible man considers his steps. A wise man is cautious and turns away from evil, But a fool is arrogant and careless.” These words from proverbs are just as true as the words in Matthew from Jesus. They are both the words of God. We are called as Christians to be sensible, to consider the steps we take, we are to turn away from evil. Practically speaking, this means we should not automatically trust those who repeatedly harm us.

Put simply we might say that forgiveness is releasing your feelings about a situation/person to God. While trust is something rebuilt over time.

Step 3

The third consideration is that we are to act wisely. As we read in Proverbs 26:11, “Like a dog that returns to its vomit Is a fool who repeats his folly.” That is a stinging verse. We do not want to be like a dog returning to his own vomit. God has called us to be wise. He has given us the ability to think to remember. It is an act of wisdom to take into account people’s past actions in considering how you choose to relate to them today it is not a matter of forgiveness. It is a matter of godliness. As we see in Proverbs 22:3, “The prudent sees the evil and hides himself, But the naive go on, and are punished for it.” Prudence or wisdom on our part means that when we find ourselves entering into the same trials over and over again, or into harmful relationships, the Bible tells us to hide from those situations. It may be correct to say as we are supposed to hide from evil we don’t go to certain places we don’t talk to certain people or we don’t watch certain TV show shows.

Sometimes loving others means separating ourselves from them. God does not call us to go into situations where we will become morally compromised or where we will become spiritually hurt rather God calls us to be wise. Put simply: forgiveness releases the offense, but wisdom decides the level of access. You can forgive someone in your heart without putting yourself back into the same situation.

Step 4

The fourth step here is to learn and teach boundaries. In order to maintain a good relationship with God and those around us, we must have proper boundaries. Jesus himself withdrew at times from the people in order to spend time alone with God. As in Luke 5:16, “But Jesus Himself would often slip away to the wilderness and pray.” In determining the boundaries that we set with others in our life, we first set the boundary that we will have time with God directly, we pray, we read our Bibles. During those times we withdraw from the others in our life in order to come in with God when determining the level of trust we are to have with another person. The first thing to do is to determine what the proper boundaries that need to be in place look like we take a step back to be with God and then if God allows it, we step forward back into that relationship. Matthew 7:15-16 gives some insight into how Jesus taught about similar issues, “Beware of the false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves. “You will know them by their fruits. Grapes are not gathered from thorn bushes nor figs from thistles, are they?” when it comes to the boundaries, we set with others we can look at the fruit of that relationship to determine what sort of access or boundaries make sense. If the fruit of the relationship is pain and suffering or emotional upheaval that gives us insight to realize that we should not be so close to that person. 

The final consideration, as far as boundaries goes Is the nuance between our fellow Christians and non-believers. Matthew 18:15-17 reads, “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. “But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” If someone has broken your trust, first you go to them and show them their fault in private. If that doesn’t work, you then go again with other fellow Christians who understand the fault that you’re pointing out. If someone refuses correction even from the church, Jesus teaches that the relationship changes. They are no longer treated as a believing brother but as an outsider. You cannot be friends with someone who continually hurts you that is not a friendship, but rather an abusive one-sided relationship.

Conclusion 

In conclusion, we must forgive others while also using our wisdom to determine what that relationship should look like and finally, we should set boundaries that are honoring to God. Romans 12:18 says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.